Kahl, Macky, and I are a bunch of whores, and I'm the biggest one of all

Music whores, that is. Gig whores.

Let me explain.

Last night, I was at a coffee shop, enjoying family time with my dad, my grandma, and my siblings. We were having a particularly sweet time because we had just left my one-of-a-kind stepmom and her one-of-a-kind family at the restaurant where we had dinner to celebrate Dad's birthday. (In this context, "one of a kind" is a bad thing; it is also an indication of quantity rather than quality: there are other people in this world who are like them [at least in soap operas], but no one is anywhere near as !?******?! as they are.)

So there I was in my rare moment of complete calm and contentment when along came a text message that took my moment away from me. It was from a guy I used to date, and he was just randomly popping up again like he does every so often. Because I'm civil and we actually parted as friends, I replied with the usual, "hey, what's up, it's been a while." He then asked if my band could play at his mother-in-law's birthday party next week. His wife, although she knows me only by name, hates me (she waged a cellphone war on me a few years ago, which I found amusing more than anything else), and I brought that up. His solution? Go by another name and pretend I'm someone else, and she'll never have to know; just please be there. He sent message after message, all but begging. And because I am a (music) whore, I said I'd ask my band.

And because my bandmates are whores as well, they said yes, despite midterms and an upper respiratory tract infection.

This morning, I woke up with a headache and a text message waiting. It was the guy, saying they didn't have room for a band after all. And now I can finally say what is at the forefront of my mind: I hate him! How dare he use the band thing, the music thing, as an excuse to get in touch with me and get his flirt on? How dare he lead me (and my bandmates) on (musically, that is)? I hate him!

And then, a mini (re)discovery. I thought about why I was so upset, and I realized all over again how much music means to me. I was upset not so much because he used music as an excuse to get in touch with me, but because it (the gig, not seeing him) wouldn't push through. I was upset because I thought I could finally play again, only to have it taken away from me as I slept--literally!

I must say, I haven't felt this alive in a while. Talking to my bandmates last night; them saying yes; discussions on what to play; this morning's indignation; my mind working at warp speed, albeit with the frenzied disorganized quality of consciousness just woken, to try to find another gig so we could push through with band practice and finally play again: all this reminded me of what I'm supposed to be doing and why. I am supposed to be relentlessly pursuing music because nothing brings me more joy or makes me feel more alive. Nothing makes me feel more at peace and one with myself and with the world. The reason I've been feeling a little distant from people in general is because of a lack of music in my life! Because music is my way of connecting with the world! Oh, I've been an idiot! But today, I am a genius!

They say music makes the world go round. The phrase may be a bit of a cliche, but for me, it is an absolute and personal truth: music really is what makes my world go round.

And hey, what do you know: my headache's gone! Good morning to me!