The Breakup

Not mine.

A friend asked me to write a paragraph-long break-up letter because she needs to dump someone and doesn't know how to do it properly. She read me her draft, and it was way too nice, sweet, and apologetic. This is the first time I've ever had to write a break-up letter for someone else--and to write one to a girl, for that matter--so I just thought I'd post it here, to remember.

My friend's name will be changed for anonymity. The crazy chick she's dumping never gave her real name in the first place, so I'm using the fake name she gave.

Warning: The language isn't the foulest thing on the planet, but it's not for children.

Dear Sweet,

You are quite the opposite of that, and maybe that’s precisely why you ironically chose that fake name. At first I thought you actually were nice and sweet, but you’re a fucking crazy, egotistical, opportunistic bitch who can’t seem to make up her mind and preys on people’s emotions to make herself feel better. You expect to be pursued and treated like a queen while treating others like shit. You probably derive some perverse pleasure from hearing someone say that about you, since you seem to be so fixated on the idea of yourself as some crazy, unstable bitch. Who knows, I could be completely wrong about you, and you really are nice and matino pala, but that’s not what you’ve shown me, and I’m not sticking around to find out. So for both our sakes, I’m putting an end to this sham of a friendship/relationship, this twisted game of yours. I’ll stay out of your life; please stay the hell away from mine.

Laura

In addition, I gave my friend these instructions:

And then, VERY IMPORTANT: If she calls, DO NOT ANSWER! Under any circumstances! Or the whole dumping will go down the drain and be for nothing. Not answering is just as important, if not MORE important, than the letter! The period after the dumping is CRUCIAL! Do not answer, and block her number on your phone! And then delete it from your address book. IMMEDIATELY!

Even if she texts, saying, hey, can we talk, one last time? DO NOT TALK TO HER! You don’t even have to respond. But if you must, just say, no, we’ve talked enough, I’m done, goodbye. Brief, curt, detached. No sad googly-eyed sorries or anything like that.

And if she replies again or tries to call again or whatever, IGNORE. IGNORE HER LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. Because IT DOES!

I hope this does it. Because "Sweet" needs to be gone, and "Laura" needs to stop letting her back in. Fingers crossed!